What is a “Reset Moment”?
A “reset moment” is a stock-taking, mid-conversation assessment by every person in the dialogue on how that conversation is going. Reset moments are integral to a deliberate conversation and do not apply to casual interactions. If you enacted a reset moment without preparation, it would seem weirdly inappropriate. Picture pumping gas while idly chatting with a stranger doing the same thing, then carefully pausing to ask, “How do you think we’re doing so far???”
Hilarious, but not the right place or time. Moments like these apply to thoughtful, deliberate interactions, which have intention and objective.
Learning to take moments such as these is essential because conversations are the basis of life in a tangible, real-world way. Part of becoming an Informed Leader is recognizing that every conversation matters. Conversations are so characteristic of humans it’s normal to hold an unconscious assumption that we are understood according to our intentions, without pausing to check that assumption.
We never, ever stop talking. The very state of consciousness is a stream of conversations in our head, making meaning of the world around us and the myriad interactions with other beings.
All relationships (including self-relationship) are a relentless ongoing process. I say “ongoing” because even when we are alone, the story of and in our mind continues. How much time would you say you spend replaying past conversations? How much time do you spend imagining conversations you want to have? If you are neurotypical, the time you spend talking to yourself far exceeds the actual time spent face-to-face with others.
Communication drifts back and forth from imagined to actual. The monologue of consciousness can be silent or out loud, but it never stops. Neuroscience has shown that the difference between the two is inhibition. What this means is that the only reason you aren’t monologuing out loud right now is that you have learned to stop yourself. Without social conditioning in childhood, I would be writing this article audibly, rehearsing each sentence, congratulating myself for a lovely turn of phrase, chastising myself for awkward transitions, etc. That is still what’s happening, but I have practiced enough to do it quietly.
[interesting side note: the language in which you think powerfully influences how you think. Some languages are more direct than eloquent, and vice versa. For example, German is famous for adapting to new concepts with a single encompassing word, whereas English must typically use a phrase. Thus, our native tongue influences the nature of our thinking throughout our lives.]
People are terrifically unpredictable, and none of us can read minds.
In the very instant in which the intention to speak to someone else arises, we begin rehearsing. We automatically tell the story – beginning, middle, and end – and edit as we speak. We really cannot help it. Daydreaming in this way is morally neutral. Describing it as either “bad” or “good” is unhelpful: it is just what happens.
The usefulness of preparing for conversations in this way must be assessed from one simple question: How accurate are we?
Without practice in critical thinking, imagined conversations are like dreams. The quality of ‘reality-feel’, if you will, can be suspended. Objectively speaking, our projections of our own and of others’ behavior seem subjectively correct. In other words, without some kind of check, we tend to believe that we are accurately forecasting how the conversation will go.
(You can test this by imagining a conversation with someone you don’t get along with right now. Take five minutes and start an argument over a heavy topic. Pay attention to how you feel during this exercise. At the end of the five minutes, remember that it is not actually happening.)
When the conversation actually begins, of course, it runs smack into the reality that you never know another person perfectly. You and I are not fixed qualities. The quality of my sleep, my family dynamics, random events, mood, and, obviously, how I have been imagining you, all come into play. The result is rather like two weather systems colliding, and the results are just as unpredictable.
Afterwards, we obsess once again, replaying it over and over in our heads, becoming enraged or reassured, helpless or aggressive, passive or active all over again. We enjoy a one-sided recreation of how it should have gone, until we feel assured that if the conversation were to be repeated, we would have a powerful upper hand. But the conversation never will be repeated. It is over.
What we are really doing is error-correcting. The anticipated version is compared to the actual version for accuracy. Then, we adjust until we are satisfied that the next session will be more accurate. This is the reason that we are more comfortable with people we know well. There is less uncertainty. Uncertainty is the root of anxiety. We can more accurately predict the behavior of people we know well, leading to less anxiety at the thought of interacting with them.
While relationships are complex and multi-dimensional, in one sense they lie on a spectrum between Deliberate, and Automatic.
Improving the quality of our conversations is entirely about becoming skilled at more quickly closing the gap between expectation and reality.
To do this, we must recognize two truths (we’ll leave deliberate deception out of it):
- No matter how empathetic and keen an observer I am, I cannot read minds.
- The only access I have to another’s thoughts is through what they explicitly tell me.
We need to realize something. I mean REALIZE, in a paradigm-shifting, firework/epiphany sense. We need to realize that unless we are talking to the other person in this moment, the imagined conversation which is taking place is us talking to ourselves. How useful is that when mutual comprehension is the entire point?
If you are thinking that the point of all this is to not assume (u, me, ass, etc.), you are correct. However, that pat phrase does not include the information necessary to weigh the concept with the value it deserves.
Learn to check your mutual understanding.
At first, taking a reset moment will feel forced and unnatural. Our natural patterns are full of assumption, and peeling that back together will take re-learning. Recognizing and coping with the anxiety of trying new things is what makes learning satisfying rather than stressful.
So here it is:
- Prepare the other person by stating what your intention is. Ask them if you don’t understand something they’ve said, that you will pause to check your understanding.
- When you make a statement or ask a question that you feel is important, ask them to state what they thought you said. If they didn’t receive it the way you intended, clarify.
- Do not just repeat yourself. If they did not get it the first time, it is not because they didn’t hear you. Restate it in a different way.
- Express yourself sincerely. Sincerity is necessary, however awkward it might feel at first. “I feel awkward saying this, but I do not agree with your proposed solution. It sounds as though you’re saying [restatement]. Is that what you meant?”
- At the end, sum up the conversation, or have them sum it up. Work out any remaining confusion.
The moment is a “reset” because you are reminding yourselves that the point of the interaction is not to get it over with, or say what you have prepared and rehearsed, or wander off on tangents. You do that in your imagination on your own time. Come back to the intention to connect.
Remember the alternative. The conversation you just had will echo for both of you, and any misinterpretations will multiply. Inevitably, you will have to repeat it. How much time will be lost in the interim? How many mistakes will be made? How much tension will be created and carried around unnecessarily?
Make your communications less one-sided. Take the conversation out of your head.
All relationships are an ongoing process of conversation. I say “ongoing” because even when we are not, in reality, interacting with another person, the story of our minds continues. How much time do you spend recreating conversations you’ve had? How much time do you spend imagining conversations you want to have? If you are a neurotypical person, the time you spend talking with others in your head far exceeds the actual time spent face-to-face with them.
