What is Narcissism?
The chances are very good that you’ve encountered a bona fide narcissist in your life’s journey so far. The word (‘narcissist’) comes from the Greek myth of a beautiful young man named Narcissus who fell in love with his own self-reflection. The word is used casually now as a label for people who appear self-obsessed. It is tossed around to mean a person is selfish, or vain, or is always one-upping those around them. However, it has a more concrete and important meaning in the context of mental health. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) manifests in a variety of ways, but it is easiest to understand as the inextricable combination of two characteristics:
- Everything is about them. This is not a choice or a strategy or a need. It is a lack of capacity to see the world otherwise.
- Their self-esteem is always under threat. Again, they are not conscious of this. The effect is to make them aggressively defensive at all times.
Because a person with NPD is unable to think neutrally, each daily event, every memory of the past, and all their ruminations about the future cause their self-esteem to see-saw. In order to protect themselves from their own instability, they develop a protective filter. This filter interprets anything even mildly positive as a dynamic reminder of their superiority. For any negative occurrence, there is the so-called ‘Narcissist’s Prayer’, a play on the well-known Serenity Prayer used by Alcoholics Anonymous:
“That didn’t happen.
And if it did happen, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was that bad, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is a big deal, that’s not my fault.
And if it was my fault, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did mean it…
You deserved it.
Amen.”
What Can We Learn From Narcissism?
It is very important to understand that it is terribly difficult for a narcissist to change. This is because the first step in changing is recognition, and recognition cannot make it past the narcissistic filter. Just as optical illusions trick our brains, displacement and projection intercept, neuter, and/or heavily water down any degree of self-criticism from a narcissist’s self-perception before it can ever surface in consciousness.
What can we learn from this? Because, clearly, we do not want to approximate this extreme in any way.
Our first priority is to accept that all disordered personalities are disordered only as a matter of degree. Self-insulation is a trait we all possess. We all displace (“this is not my fault/responsibility”) and we all project (“I’m not vulnerable/selfish/insecure/guilty/incompetent… you/they are”).
Our goal should not be to eliminate these flaws; that is an impossible and therefore useless goal. We need something more pragmatic to try for. Consider for a moment the basic futility of “accurate” self-perception. Without some form of mirror, could we ever know what we look like? And even once we have found a reflection, is it possible to see ourselves perfectly? Of course not: perception is by definition biased.
Our goal should be a steadily increasing awareness. We don’t need a degree in psychology or a professional-level course in counselling to begin learning and appreciating our cognitive errors. There are many excellent lists and explanations available. Nobel prizes have been awarded based on the work in this field. Many great books have been written.
Through practice and learning, we can make ourselves what we want.
Related post: Ethics in Business
